Solace- A Conflict Waged Within.

Breath. In. Exhale. Relax. Deeper this time- there, much better. Now focus….yes. Don’t let it escape this time, hold on to it, tighter, tighter still, don’t surrender it so easily, relax, inhale now.. blast!

Lost my concentration yet again.

So far, my long-anticipated moments of silent meditation have not been going all that well during my long-weekend beach vacation.

Once again, I find myself eagerly stuffing odds and ends into my weathered Polo Sport rucksack for a weekend beach trip to Koh Samed, an island renowned for its pearl-white sand, postcard-perfect beachlines, and exorbitantly-priced rooming. Mesh hammock. Check. Sleeping bag. Check. Ipod, photography magazine, and two novels..

Check, check, check. (It’s not that I am anti-social, its only that so far, the “Koh Samed Convoy” consists of myself and eight, yes eight, female teachers).

The trip went well, and we were able to locate rooms for everyone within the first hour of being there, which really was quite a shock considering that every call we previously made to stake out a reservation was cut short with the disheartening response of “we’re all full”. We promptly donned our beach attire and scampered down to the glistening shore, embracing every cool breeze, salty-sweet wave, and wisp of sand that flowed against our skin.

However, I had an ulterior motive for leaving, a motivation of clandestine proportions. During the weekend, I was to abscond from the feminine entourage, all eight of them, and find a place of silence- sensual moments of solace- a shaded, stony cleft jutting out across the sea. Alone to breathe richly and listen to its consoling warmth. A stillness to move about freely within my inner thoughts and reflections. To scourge my mind for lucid memories that would soon inevitably fade, to remember and immortalize each and every shining one upon the empty white sheets of my journal, fresh as washed linen.

But it was not to be so easy.

My mind races, a steady jog at first, but the thoughts shift slightly and then split from each other as though on the cusp of mitosis. They race madly now, their confounded numbers multiplying, superimposing themselves atop each other, each vying for my attention, blaring neon sign in hand- “CONSIDER ME!! I AM CURRENTLY YOUR COMMITMENT OF GREATEST PRIORITY!! They assail me, all of these responsibilities I am constantly aware of, looming, threatening to choke off any moments of desperately-needed introspection and reflection.

I renew my efforts to subdue these assailing thoughts and gain the higher ground of control. After a brief struggle, a conquering vigilante I am, ridding myself of all the ever-so pressing issues that work against me, to crush my solace. Jubilant and refreshed, I dismount my tranquil ledge, skimmed by blue-green waves, and return to the beach stakeout feeling as though I have gained some type of victory against… myself.

Upon My Distant Ledge

Why is solace such a difficult state to attain, to feel as though we do not owe this to ourselves? Commitments, yes, are good things- expectations as well. However, as the flesh of even the sweetest fruit rots, fine, noble ideals twist into a staggering handicap when they work to undermine our ability to know and experience a state of deep self-awareness, dominating our consciousness.

Take time out this week for you and be sure to reaffirm yourself in recent thoughts, experiences, and reflections- I am definitely relieved that I finally did!